by Steven Kay
Two multicolored hearts with rainbows streaming from them, and below them the words: “Love and Hope.” The hearts represent love and the rainbows the hope that things will one day be better and that storms don’t last forever. This was the logo that Kristin designed to represent herself. To all who remember her, it is a fitting picture of a beautiful and inspiring little girl. She courageously fought against bone cancer for two years, bravely enduring seven surgeries (two humerus replacements, four lung and one sinus), multiple chemotherapy’s, countless tests and scans and all the side effects associated with them. There were times of tears and anger, but Kristin did what had to be done with a spirit that wouldn’t quit. Cancer took her life, yes, but it did not conquer her. She beat it because she lived and fought and then died in a way that gave glory to God.
It is so hard to accept that Kristin is dead because she was so full of life. She was never content to just let life happen, she worked at getting the most from it. She was always doing something–reading a book, writing a story or a play for herself and her sister, Brittany. The staff at the Cancer Center where she was treated were amazed at how much Kristin was able to do during her treatments. She hated missing school because of her treatments, but was able to keep her studies up and even made the honor roll. The first treatments made her so sick that she couldn’t do anything. But Kristin was determined to live life as normally as possible and would not give up, then as she grew to tolerate them she was able to do some fun activities.
One day she convinced the nurses to do a blood test early and then delay the treatment for a couple of hours so we could go to the Hollywood Walk of Fame and do some normal things. She would have chemo one day and then the next day we’d go to Magic Mountain and ride all the roller coasters. The nurses couldn’t believe it. Kristin would tell them, “After chemo, a roller coaster is nothing.” Kristin was determined to get the most from the life she had. Ten days after her second lung surgery, in the space of two months, Kristin and Debbie went to the set of “Beverly Hills, 90210″ and met one of the stars, Luke Perry. You couldn’t even tell that she had been sick.
Although at times her disease caused her great discomfort and pain, she never lost her sense of humor. It was an hour and a half drive to Cedars Sinai Medical Center, and often Kristin would be sick in the back seat all the way there and back. Once we were listening to an “oldies” station and a familiar song came on. We changed the words and between heaves Kristin was laughing and singing, “It’s my chemo, and I’ll barf if I want to… You would barf to if it happened to you.” Another time an acquaintance asked if her wig was her hair; she replied, “It sure is, I paid $89 for it.” Kristin was famous for the practical jokes she would play on the doctors and nurses. If some thing squirted you when you pushed a button, or if play snakes popped out when you opened a container, you could be sure Kristin was around. Kristin wrote in her diary of another trick she pulled: “You won’t believe what I did yesterday: I took my hat off and scared some Chinese guy. It was so, so, so funny. He just pointed at me with his mouth open. HA! HA! HEE! HEE!” As Tim Bennett noted at her funeral, “Kristin had a magnetic joy that drew people to her.”
All of this shows the fighting spirit that Kristin had. During the two years of her treatment, she lost three close friends at the Cancer Center. She knew that death was a possibility, but she was determined that she was going to beat this terrible disease that had invaded her life. She didn’t enjoy her treatments, but she cooperated and did what ever the doctors asked her to do, and even did more than they expected. Her orthopedic surgeon told her that there were certain motions she wouldn’t be able to do because of the muscle she had lost. Nine months later she was so excited to prove him wrong. Her oncologist told us that because of her attitude and fighting spirit that he had been able to push her harder than any patient before.
Three days before she died, her condition had deteriorated to the point that she was on oxygen, and Kristin was very agitated about her blood test results. We hadn’t told her yet that she only had a few days left, and she was very upset that things were getting worse. Our home care nurse told her that she had to quit fighting, because she was very agitated. In a very strong voice, Kristin said “I’m not quitting I’ve always fought and I’ll always fight.” That afternoon she finally reached the point where we had to tell her that there was nothing left that the doctors could do for her, the cancer had just taken over her body. She was angry, frustrated, and afraid. She tried bargaining, and we cried together as she began to ask what it was going to be like to die. And then as we talked, there was an incredible peace that came over her. It was like a tremendous weight had been lifted from her, and she relaxed in the peace of God.
It was in her last three days that her greatest characteristics, her loving spirit and her faith in God, really shone forth. Kristin was loved by everyone she came in contact with because she really loved everyone. Her nurses would vie for the opportunity to take care of her during her treatments. Kristin always made sure that she met and encouraged any new patients at the center. We had remarked once that we wished we had gotten this cancer instead of her, and Kristin replied that she wouldn’t want any one else to have it.
In the weeks before her death, Kristin had become too weak to have visitors. She was using all her strength to stay alive. But in her last three days, she used her strength to reach out to her family and friends. It was such a blessing to watch as her friends would come in to her room crying and Kristin would smile at them, give them a hug (thank you Lord for guiding us to doctors who were skilled enough to let her keep her arms), and tell them that she loved them and everything was going to be all right. In between visits, she chose the songs she wanted sung at her funeral, and we sang “Paradise Valley” and “Home of the Soul” several times together. She also divided up her stuffed animals and jewelry, putting tags on them for us to give to her cousins and friends after she was gone.
Kristin had a tremendous faith in God. She struggled for a while with the fact that God’s answer to out prayers wasn’t what we expected. There was fear of the unknown, but on the day she died she told us that whatever God’s plan was, it was okay. He was going to do what the doctors couldn’t do. Everything they did had limited her. God was going to set her free and give her rest.
When she called us into her room that last night we didn’t realize it would be our last hour with her. Brittany started to cry and hugged her. Kristin told her, “It’s all right, Brittany, I’ll always be in your heart. Just look for me, and you’ll find me. I’m going to God.” She was very weak, but every few minutes, she would open her eyes, smile, and tell us she loved us. Once, she looked around her room, and maybe beyond it, and said, “Things look weird.”
Then just a little bit before she died, she looked at us and with no fear calmly said, “1′m dying now, I’m dying now.” She was with us and aware of everything to the very last moment. She went peacefully, holding her mother’s hand. With us one moment, a last peaceful breath, and then gone with the Lord. Our social worker from the Cancer Center said she went the way she lived, giving us a beautiful gift in the way she died.
It would be so easy to look only at what we have lost. But we cannot do that, because Kristin left us such a tremendous example of faith and acceptance. And there are just too many blessings that God brought our way during this entire ordeal. Without us knowing it, He guided us to the top doctors in the world for Kristin’s type of cancer, who developed the chemotherapy and limb-salvage techniques that gave us two wonderful extra years with Kristin. Every day something good would come our way. All of it was God working to bless us through the church in Ventura county and around the world-and through our friends and family. And Kristin’s story continues to inspire people. Some have said that it is sad that we will miss seeing her grow up. That’s not really true–we saw her grow up and mature into a lovely young woman as she faced this trial. What we lost was her childhood. The editor of our local paper wrote this of Kristin: “There are many people of inspiration, but they’re usually world leaders, renowned thinkers or great humanitarians. It’s rare when it’s the kid next door.” Or even your own kid, we would add.
Engraved on her headstone are the words, “Always in our hearts,” and, “She taught us how to live, how to fight and finally how to die.” She was only twelve but she accomplished more in those few years than a lot people do with many more years. At her memorial service, Tim Kelley stated, “More than grief and sorrow, Kristin called us to more hope, faith, joy and rejoicing, and we can see these moments through the eyes of faith.” How true. But, Kastin, we still miss you!
